The bits always turn to vapour.

Why is it when something is broken, the shattered bits and pieces are NEVER sitting there with the thing?

For instance, one of our esteemed and lovely scu.... guests managed to tear the part of the door bolt off that is attached to the door. No doubt one of the many unescorted, unfed and unattended children running screaming through our facility thought they would re-enact Uncle Le-Von's last arrest by charging the door while it was "on the chain".

The bits of wood from the door? Gone. The 2oz metal casting that looks sort of like a dick? Gone. Even the torn out screws..... Gone. This isn't stuff the housekeepers can just Hoover up, it would shatter the spinny thing or clog the pipe and I'd know about that, because guess who they will bring the busted vacuum to? I know the guests don't want it, because they leave so very much else behind, all of which is VITALLY IMPORTANT when they call back screaming for it, six weeks later.

Guess it goes to the same place all those left socks go to.

Bottled up no more!

"It seemed like a good idea at the time." That's probably what I'll say in court some time later on, when asked about this blog.

I'm the maintenance drone for a smallish property in a major hotel chain. I'm an Army of One with no backup, less competence and I really do not give a shit about my customers any more. Which makes it hard to clean up their messes day after day, but a paycheque is a paycheque.

I'm a Brit, living in the US and loving it. I came here for your women (well, just one of them), your jobs and because I just wasn't getting fat enough living back in Blighty. I'm sort of an arsehole, thanks to a spell at Wal mart and working the hotel front desk, because I ran out of patience. I used up a lifetime supply in a couple of years working with The Public. I'm fat, foul and approaching fourty and would dearly love to kick the shit out of my 17yr old drop-out self.

This blog is probably going to be irregular, oddly spelled (for you Yanks at least) and rambling. Just like me. I'll digress into foaming tirades at the drop of a hat, say things that aren't PC and link-whore to anything that tickles my fancy. I'll waffle on about stuff that happened in the Way Back until you'd swear I'm wearing an onion on my belt. I'll demonstrate ignorance, arrogance and flatulence all at once, but hopefully I'll make you laugh at the same time.

So, pull up a stolen office chair, sit back and enjoy the paint fumes. I know I do.